We’ve all seen them—men with open blouses and shiny rippling chests; women in compromising positions beneath them; hair flowing. That’s right: the covers of romance novels. The books themselves are ridiculous, but when it comes down to it, the covers often tell hilarious stories of their own. This writer is not a reader of this type of fiction—no shame if you are—so we’ve decided to guess what each of these books is about based solely on the cover art. Let the games begin!
“They risked everything for a night of passion!” Well with a tag like that, how could we not get this one right? Clearly this guy—let’s call him Marco—is a lonely traveler, perhaps a Robin Hood type, who falls in love with Persephone, Queen of the Unicorn People. She is betrothed to Admiral Uni (featured over Marco’s shoulder), but she doesn’t love him! She doesn’t want to continue on making human-unicorn hybrid babies, so she runs off to be with Marco. But Admiral Uni will not stand for such treachery, and using his psychic powers he communicates with all other horse like wildlife, such as the deer on the side, to fetch his woman back. Marco and Admiral Uni must fight to the death while Persephone goes into hiding with the Butterfly Kingdom. Who will win?
What a tame cover for a book on the trials of dating an alien lifeform! It is obvious that the one who is at risk of losing ET is the presumably female owner of those hands. This man from Mars must have crash-landed in the backyard of a wanton housewife. He’s tall, he’s built, and he speaks a different language: the language of alien love. The “malien” is held captive by the desperate housewife as she forces him to use all of his extra extremities to please her. He must escape back to his home planet within 10 days or he will die from Earth’s environment. But how will he ever escape her clutches!?
Teens Adam and Courtney are matched up to raise a fake baby in their home-ec class. Much to their chagrin, they have nothing in common and often quarrel. That is, until one night when, after putting their “baby” to sleep, they discover they are home alone. They proceed to learn more than how to make dinner and balance a checkbook together. Who knew high school was so progressive in the ’90s?
Evangeline is discarded from her former pack after she and her alpha brother have a falling out. Her crime? She fell in love with the alpha of another pack, of course. Evangeline joins up with her new werewolf mates and must fight her evil brother to the death! Lucky for her, she doesn’t have just one lover to fight with her, but three! Will Evangeline overthrow her brother? Will she find herself Queen to a new pack? Are these people even werewolves?! You be the judge!
Michael murdered his wife to be with Lori but what he didn’t count on was his ex coming back—from the dead! This one definitely calls for some overwrought dramatic music. Chastity—the ex-wife— was in love with Michael and when he murdered her, something in her ghostly mind snapped. She’s back for vengeance now and will do anything to be with Michael again, including possessing her rival and his new lover, Lori! Who says ghosts can’t be part of a really stupid love triangle?