If you’re looking for somewhere to cornrow your hair while snapchatting Grandma selfies this New Year’s Eve, I have just the bar for you. Portland’s hottest spots are…
They have everything: balls, a 9×16-foot big screen to cheer on male oil wrestling, and the Griddle Burger. What’s a Griddle Burger? It’s everything Paula Deen — beef, butter, and oil with an exorbitant amount of cheese served on a ciabatta bun — just without the racism!
They’ve got everything: The Street Sweeper, a dog that lives on the bar countertop, and Bootlegger Pudding. What’s the Street Sweeper? You know when you’re about to pour something down a street drain but you’re like, “Wait. What about the Oregon salmon population?” so you dump it in the grass instead? It’s all of those liquids, from every Portlander, combined in one glass. It might not sound potable but I had two and felt uh-mazing!
They’ve got everything: An undead minotaur, Pickled Pineapple Mojo, and tears. What’s Pickled Pineapple Mojo? It’s when a elderly pineapple rides a skateboard, runs over 3 high-heeled pedestrians, and becomes dip-ified after crashing into the Morrison Bridge. It’s messy but tropically delicious on a cloudy Oregon day.
They’ve got everything: Twinky karaoke, Hula Hoochies, and that one old dude that you can’t decide if he is a tiki or actual person. What’s a Hula Hoochie? It’s when a dashboard hula girl offs herself by jumping headfirst into a Coke big gulp on a hot day and isn’t discovered until weeks later. Tragic? Yes, but the owner was going to buy a new car anyway.
They’ve got everything: Hail Chic’n Seitan, playful coffins, and Myrtle and Oil of Bergamot tea. What’s Hail Chic’n Seitan? It’s wheat gluten that graduated private Catholic high school, moved away from the parentals, and started listening to eardrum exploding, pig-squealing, androgynous metal. It’s basically every parent from Lake Oswego’s dream.
You want somewhere more normal? You mean less fun? You can try Olive Garden, I hear they have a special on their Classic Tour of Italian men.