This is Why I Don’t Have a Smartphone

Looking at the world today seems to be this robot/human hybrid glimpse into the future. Let’s face it, we don’t have flying cars yet, well at least we don’t have flying Deloreans yet. What we do seem to have are billions of docile human like creatures staring down at their 5 1/2 by 3 inch piece of shit. And NO, I am not talking about their wee wee. I am talking about the all controlling, very small computer even you’re grandma is bragging about, your cell phone. Look at my selfie, look what I ate today, look at this picture of me with a big rash. Who gives a shit what you’re eating, or the fact you got the wrong hooker last week.  People are so into their smartphone’s they forget to look around at all the beauty in this world.  I bet in five years we will have holograms floating around us proclaiming how many twitter followers we have, along with emojis that express how we are feeling.  No need to smile at the person next to you, the technology will do it for you.

“I bet in 5 years we will have holograms floating around us proclaiming how many twitter followers we have, along with emojis that express how we are feeling.”

Yes, I have a flip phone and here is why.

The last time I walked into a store to get a phone was about two years ago.  My older phone, which everybody made fun of, finally cracked. It was eight years old.  How long did your last piece of shit last?  I waltzed into the store and asked for the oldest, most durable phone they had.  It took them 20 minutes to find my current flip phone in some dungeon in the back of the store. It then took about an hour to find the connection needed to transfer all my information from my old phone to the new-old phone. They literally laughed at me and said it’s been years since they have seen a phone this old. I laughed right back and said, “At least I haven’t had to come in here and talk to you jack asses for eight years.” Friends used to come over and ask for a beer, now they ask if I have a plug in for their phone so they can charge it. I literally have friends that have to charge their phone every time I see them. I charge my phone once a week, and use my phone all the time. It seems nowadays our main objective is to charge our phones so we can see the next thing that pops up in our feeds. What’s happening to us? I will tell you, we are turning into a creepy, hiveminded species, always humping the next new app.

What about games? Don’t you want to play games on your phone?

What about fucking games?  If I want to play games, I will turn on my super Nintendo, or even better yet, my Sega Master System nobody has heard of. I buy drinks for anybody that can name at least 10 Sega Master System games with out looking on their smart phone. It’s been nearly 30 years since Nintendo came out with Tetris. Today, people are getting stupid hooked on games like Angry Birds, Bejeweled, Fruit Ninja, etc.  It’s instant gaming at your fingertips 24 hours a day. Instead of engaging in conversation with somebody on the bus, it’s how many oranges can I slice with this sword, and the hours logged are astonishing. “In 2011, Rovio’s chief executive claimed that Angry Birds players were spending 200 million minutes inside the game every day.” My question, “Is there something we could do that is more productive than playing a mindless/endless bird game?” Of course, go plant some fucking trees. The planet needs it.

“If humans continue this path, we will have our consciousness uploaded to cyborgs, not even leaving our house for a beer with a friend.”

I have to admit, I don’t live without a smart phone because I am always asking for directions, or info from the people around me with smartphones, but the kicker for me is, besides an occasional text here and there, I am not completely embedded into this creepy world simulation becoming more and more of an issue. If humans continue this path, we will have our consciousness uploaded to cyborgs, not even leaving our house for a beer with a friend. It will be all imaginary, it will be all corporate sponsored virtual reality.


Do you hate Smartphones too? What would you say to someone who still uses a flip phone?




Cody Klewin
Cody Klewin
Cody Klewin is the owner of Article Cats, as well as one of its contributing authors. Cody spends his time concocting insane ideas for weird articles and hiding under a desk when the hate-mail flies in. He enjoys Legos, the Tourettes Guy, and also enjoys dressing up like Skeletor while stalking people on golf courses or ice-skating rinks.