Women in their late 20s and beyond know the pressure to have children all too well. Lunch with mom wouldn’t be complete without an ominous warning your biological clock is ticking. Your Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest feed are nothing but pacifiers and booties. Over half your friends now live on “planet mommy” where communication is sparse and seeing them in person is nearly impossible without NASA-like preparation. You worry about growing old and being stuck in a state home where they steal your jewelry because no one’s there to care for you. Seeing your paycheck every month fills you with rage because you can’t deduct your cats without an audit by the IRS. People assume you are a selfish bitch because you don’t want kids. But don’t let society put you in a box – not everyone is meant to have children. Here are 10 reasons why having a kid is the worst thing you can do for yourself and the world.
Going to a rave, snorting MDMA, waking up in a random DJ’s bed, and throwing up all over your crop top is kind of frowned upon when you have kids. So is booking a last minute flight to Tunisia, joining a cultish commune, or starting an all-female fight club. But for the childless, there are no regrets!
Everyday can be mother’s day when you’re not a mother. Wake up at noon, go on a mimosa and brunch binge, buy out everything at Zara, get a mani-pedi-facial-massage, then end the day with some much unneeded “me” time watching high production-value porn. After all the hard work you put into raising yourself, you deserve it girl!
Unless you’re Kate Middleton and own half the world’s blood diamonds, you probably don’t have a lot of spare change. Childless people have the means to spend their income on new shoes, extravagant dinners, or $200 jeans instead of baby toys, food, diapers, and strollers. It’s even worse once those babies turn into adults and you have to pay for college – that money could be used for buying a self-driving car or vaginal rejuvenation (not that you’d need it). Now make it rain!
Yes, women can have it all, but it’s much harder when you have to take care of another human and tend to their needs. Some women put their career ahead of family, and there’s nothing wrong with that. When men choose the high-rise office, they’re praised; when women choose the corporate living room, people berate them for being selfish and question their sexuality. Becoming a ruthless businesswoman and wearing power suits all day sounds pretty fabulous. Think of all those power suits…
There certainly are vain moms (i.e. every Real Housewife in existence), but it’s easier and cheaper to pull off when you don’t have children. Think of all the money and time you’d save on plastic surgery, fitness, and cosmetics by not giving birth. You will still look like a nubile sprite when all your friends have stretch marks, saggy breasts, and dark circles. Plus, shopping at Forever 21 looks sadder when you actually have a 21-year-old daughter wearing the same outfit.
Have you always wanted to be a professional Theremin player, Foley artist, mermaid, or actress, but your ship sailed long ago? Don’t fret, because being childless affords you all the time in the world to accomplish those irrational goals. Time to toss out that finance degree and take an acting workshop.
Let’s face it, there are a lot of horrible parents out there who fuck up their kids. Luckily for you, you’ll never be one of them. We don’t need more serial killers and child pageant princesses. The probability of Satan roaming the earth again has slightly decreased because of you. Congratulations!
According to a recent study, humans are the single worst thing for the planet. Whether it’s accelerating climate change, destroying the ecosystem, or starting wars, people are the root of all evil. You are actually being selfless by not spawning another human who will inevitably pollute the planet. Next time someone condescendingly asks why you don’t have kids, tell them you’re saving the world from more destruction and end it with, “You’re welcome” – because you are literally a saint.
Not only does population control go hand-in-hand with environmentalism, it also helps out the rest of humanity by making the quality of life better. If you think waiting in line for brunch at Screen Door is bad now, it’s only going to get worse in the future. If the population continues to exponentially rise, half the month will be dedicated to waiting in line for brunch. Sound awful?
If you read this list while nodding your head, it’s probably a sign. Forget about raising a baby, you’re not even fit to rear a Labradoodle (maybe a Chihuahua). If you ever do have kids, God help us all.
Who else plans on staying childless? Can you think of any other reasons not to have children?