How well do you know Donald Trump? How well do you want to know him? OK, probably not that much, but below, you can test your Trump knowledge by figuring out which of these statements are straight from the Donald’s mouth, which are made up, and which one belongs to Eric Cartman from “South Park.”
There’s a little history behind each statement, also completely true in some cases and completely false in others. The real answers are at the end. Try your hand, which is probably bigger than Donald’s:
The Dairy COOL Act of 2009 was a bill that would have required country of origin labeling on dairy products. It was introduced by Sen. Al Franken. This is what Donald Trump had to say on the matter when questioned about food safety last December:
“The Dairy COOL Act is great. A lot of people say I’m cool. That’s what other people say about me, I guess they’re right. I know a lot of important people in dairy. I know all the people in dairy. I have, I have a restaurant in New Jersey that serves chocolate milk. It’s the best chocolate milk. We bring in the best milk, cause that’s what we do. We’re the best and we bring in the best and the best people taste it and they say, they say to me, “Donald, this is the best chocolate milk. How do you do it?” And I say, it’s cause I get the best and I have the best people make it. And that’s what America has to do. We win at milk, OK? We win at milk and chocolate milk and I think, if you taste my chocolate milk, you’ll agree that my chocolate milk is the best and you’d say, “Donald, this belongs in the White House.” And I say, yeah, that’s why I’m here. I don’t have to do this. I could be at home with all my chocolate milk. I could buy all the chocolate milk and America wouldn’t have any left, and I could do it tomorrow. And you don’t think America needs that kind of power in the White House? That’s why I’m running, so America can be the best again and win at what matters and—man, chocolate milk is good, isn’t it? I love chocolate milk. I just, at the end of a long day, sometimes, sometimes I’ll even have chocolate milk with breakfast. That’s what you can do when you’re rich like me, whatever they said, like, 10 billion whatever, it’s more than I can count, and that’s what breakfast is about. And America can do that, too.”
When Trump was asked, “How will you bring back the American Dream?” Trump responded:
“Look. We can bring the American Dream back. That I will tell you. We’re bringing it back. OK? And I understand what you’re saying. And I get that from so many people. ‘Is the American Dream dead?’ They are asking me the question, ‘Is the American Dream dead?’ And the American Dream is in trouble. That I can tell you. OK? It’s in trouble. But we’re going to get it back and do some real jobs. How about the man with that beautiful red hat? Stand up! Stand up! What a hat!
In discussing foreign policy, Trump derided the other candidates thusly:
“Some of the candidates, they went in and didn’t know the air conditioner didn’t work and sweated like dogs, and they didn’t know the room was too big because they didn’t have anybody there. How are they going to beat ISIS?”
In discussing his favorite TV shows on CNN, Trump had one favorite he kept returning to:
“I mean, secretly you could say I’m attracted, yes, to Conan O’Brien. Look at that hair. I actually say Donald, that’s a very attractive man. Maybe he should do a show from one of my resorts. I’ve considered inviting him. What he’s doing with Andy Richter I can’t tell you. It’s a mystery to a lot of people.”
In discussing his book “The Art of the Comeback,” Trump had this to say about his affairs:
“If I told the real stories of my experiences with women, often seemingly very happily married and important women, this book would be a guaranteed best-seller.”
When asked about protecting sea life in the Pacific Ocean, Trump told Fox News he did not consider it a priority:
“Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It’s all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap.”
On the dedication of his supporters in January 2016:
“I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose voters.”
Trump once berated Crucial Taunt’s lead singer on the correct use of the word “champagne”:
“Actually, all champagne is French. It’s named after the region. Otherwise, it’s sparkling white wine. Americans, of course, don’t recognize the convention, so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white ‘champagne,’ even though, by definition, they’re not.”
Can we just take a moment to feel for the security guard in the above photo, as he contemplates how a career in body guarding the rich and famous has led him to running the security detail for a table full of Trump-brand wine and rancid steak? Anyway, Trump pitched the following sales campaign for Trump Steaks, a doomed brand that failed to take off:
“When it comes to great steaks, I’ve just raised the stakes. The Sharper Image is one of my favorite stores, with fantastic products of all kinds. That’s why I’m thrilled they agree with me. Trump Steaks are the world’s greatest steaks and I mean that in every sense of the word. And The Sharper Image is the only store where you can buy them. Trump Steaks are by far the best-tasting, most flavorful beef you’ve ever had, truly in a league of their own. Trump Steaks are 5 star gourmet, quality that belong in a very, very select category of restaurant, and are certified Angus beef prime. There’s nothing better than that. Of all of the beef produced in America, less than 1-percent qualifies for that category! It’s the best of the best! Until now, you could only enjoy steaks of this quality in one of my resort restaurants or America’s finest steakhouses, but now, that’s changed. Today, through The Sharper Image, you can enjoy the world’s greatest steaks in your own home with family, friends anytime. Trump Steaks are aged to perfection to provide the ultimate in tenderness and flavor. If you like your steak, you’ll absolutely love Trump Steaks. Treat yourself to the very, very best life has to offer. And as a gift, Trump Steaks are the best you can give. One bite and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. And believe me, I understand steaks. It’s my favorite food and these are the best.
When asked about how he’d deal with Russia by Cokie Roberts in early March, Trump said this:
“When it comes to Russians, we don’t have to rush in. Russia is one of my favorite countries, with fantastic leaders of all kinds. That’s why I’m thrilled they agree with me. A Trump presidency is the world’s greatest presidency and Russia is one of the best countries that wants it. And Russia is the only place you can find Russians. Russians are by far the best-tasting, most flavorful people you’ve ever met, truly in a league of their own. Russians are nuclear-armed. There’s nothing better than that! Of all the people produced in the world, less than 1-percent qualifies as Russian! They’re the best of the best! Until now, you could only enjoy Russians in Russia or on a tourist trip, when there’s a big group of them that gets in your way on the street. But now, that’s changed! Today, through my foreign policy, you can enjoy Russians in your own home with family, friends anytime. In fact they won’t leave. If you like Russians, you’ll absolutely love their military occupation of Alaska and the Pacific Northwest. It’s not like America needs those hippies. And as a gift, Russians will ship them away. One bite, and you’ll be part of a strange program measuring the spread of an amazing viral disease created by Russian scientists. And believe me, I understand outbreaks. Not personally. It’s not like I have a problem down there. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.”
#1 is false, but it was fun to write.
#4 is false. Donald Trump has no crush on Conan (that we know about).
#10 is so false that if you weren’t sure, you should see a doctor immediately. Actually, the last two lines of #10 are real things Trump said about his penis. Maybe he should see a doctor immediately.
#6 is courtesy of Eric Cartman on “South Park.”
#8 is a “Wayne’s World” quote from Benjamine Kane, brilliantly realized by the multi-talented dramatic prodigy Rob Lowe.
#2, 3, 5, 7, and 9 are all, unfortunately, very true.