If you were fortunate enough to go shopping for Reese’s around Christmas last year, then you got a nice view of how the Reese’s Christmas Trees looked like turds. In fact, their trees weren’t the only shortcoming at the store around the holidays, as they offer pumpkins around Halloween, eggs around Easter, and apparently they even are offering hearts for Valentine’s Day. Before you think you’re in for another good laugh though, it appears they finally got something right!
They say (whoever “they” is) that chocolate is one of the best ways to show love. Of course, everyone knows that “they” are wrong. Instead, some peanut butter filled chocolate is a much better option to give to your significant other. Knowing how ridiculously popular their candy is, this is probably why you can now purchase Reese’s chocolate hearts for your valentine this year. Forget about getting one of those hackneyed old boxes of chocolate, which usually have more bad options than good ones. Instead, getting your significant other one of these bags shows you really want him or her to enjoy the day or maybe it’s just a backhanded way for them to make you gain weight so nobody else will want you and you’ll have to stay with them forever regardless of how horrifying the relationship is…
Oh, yeah. And this time they seemed to learn how to properly shape their candies. These actually look like hearts, or at least what society sees a heart as looking like. Keep in mind, an actual heart is very unattractive and actually does resemble poop more than it does one of these Reese’s chocolate hearts.
OK, hopefully you aren’t dumb enough to actually need to ask this. Reese’s chocolate hearts are sold pretty much anywhere you would find regular Reese’s, which means you can find them literally at every grocery store, drug store and most other stores too. Unless you live under a rock, you should realize candy is one of the most available items around. Actually, if you want to save face while shopping this week, you should probably buy one or two of these hearts, even if you are forever alone because you are such a loser.
Of course, Valentine’s Day might traditionally be a day for those who are in love, it’s important that everyone faces the reality. It is now 2016, and traditions be damned! Rather than just buy that heart-shaped Reese’s for your significant other, perhaps you actually want to get a nice, turd-shaped candy to give to one of your acquaintances. If you are the creative, artsy type, you might opt for trying out some cupid poop, which is quite a unique way to spread the holiday cheer. Alternatively, you could look to see if anyone still has some of those Reese’s trees lying around and if they don’t at least you know what to do next year.