In one of the most in depth and revealing investigative journalism pieces in recent memory, it has been revealed that big oil is corrupt. Really? Who didn’t know this already? What else will shake our foundations and our perception of reality? The following are actual newspaper headlines ripped from the hands of someone who doesn’t know the difference.
The Utah Poison Control Center has recently informed us to “not take poison.” Serious. Is that what made Aunt Bertha sick last Thanksgiving? Big Oil also reminds us to not drink the water. Especially after an oil spill.
For those of you who are trying to gain weight by dieting, you’ve been doing it all wrong. It doesn’t work that way. If you really want to lose weight try Big Oil’s new oil-covered birds. “Nothing is more fowl.”
In the latest revealing of information out the totally clear blue, a comic book character is the leading killer in our society. This would make more sense than actual death being a killer, doesn’t it? Actually, I always thought it was curiosity. Or is that just for cats? For those of you wanting a long life, stay away from things like death. You’ll live longer.
And you thought Death was cute. Another secret of the male psyche revealed to the obvious challenged. Get rid of those sack cloths and put on something glimmering. Comb your hair. Put on lipstick. Wear a sign saying “free beer.” Anything to attract the male’s attention. Big oil says it’s so.
Even if your legs are crossed. Amazing what sperm can do if you give it a chance. Moms, we are supposed to be telling our daughters how to make babies before they start kissing boys. An ounce of intelligence is greater than a pound of stupidity. Sheesh. Even big oil is laughing at this one.
Who let the dogs out? What’s a gun doing in a gun shop? Next thing you know, they will even be finding bullets. If someone ever figures out that the two can be put together, who knows what would happen next. It will be anarchy. One bit of advice from Big Oil: ssssh!