If you’re internet savvy, it’s no secret to you that social media is rife with conflict. Whether it’s a troll-laden YouTube comment section or an army of wags tweeting about how a total stranger deserves to have their life ruined for making an indelicate comment; people love to argue from behind the safety of their keyboard. But internet conflict isn’t all about disapproval and feigned moral superiority. Some internet kerfuffles can be exacerbated by misunderstandings that result from the lack of vocal inflection inherent to typed communiqué. With that in mind, we propose that social media provide us with more varied font options to clarify our statements. That way, the person we’re arguing with (or “explaining why they’re wrong”) knows exactly what we mean.

Sarcasm – Willy Wonka

icollector.com

Sarcasm is easily the most misunderstood context in all of commenting. By using this daring WillyWonka font, you can make your sarcasm crystal clear. Look how fancy! Assertive, whimsical lettering tells the OP or commenter that you care so much about the conversation that your words are wearing ostentatious top hats. Not.

Drunk – Phosphate Inline

MyFonts

Okay, drunkenness might not be an emotion, per se. But surely there are times when knowing that a poster or commenter is blitzed will clarify matters and keep an argument from needlessly escalating. This Phosphate Inline font is bold and assertive—almost ludicrously so. It’s the font that says, “I love you guys,” and “You think you’re better than me?!?” all at once.

Stoned – Floralies

fontpro.com

Obviously, we need this one for the same reasons as the Drunk font. But being high on the marijuanas is a different experience and requires a differently embellished font. The Floralies font lets you fly your freak flag high, while letting fellow conversationalists know that you’re…you know, high.

Murderous Rage – Rocky

followingthenerd.com

Sadly, there are those times when we find ourselves whipped into a hysterical frenzy by the stupidity, apathy, and general assholishness that is the internet. When you feel whipped into the kind of fervor that literally makes you wish you could strangle someone via PM—bust out this Rocky font to let your intended target know. If they’re wise enough to leave the internet forever, you just may avoid a homicide charge.

Sincerity – Neck Candy

pez.com

Not everyone will require a font indicating that they’re being totally truthful and genuine. But some of you are sarcastic often enough that even your kindest words or most supportive comments are viewed as mean or flippant. That’s where the Neck Candy font comes in handy. It looks like a solid brick foundation to build a discussion on—and also looks like a candy necklace. Candy means sincerity, right?

Condescension – Comic Sans

the4cast.com

I daresay this is different from sarcasm—more pointed and judgmental. Sarcasm says “I’m so sure,” while condescension is more like “That’s stupid, and you’re stupid for saying it, and your parents were stupid for bringing you up in a way that allowed this to happen. So why don’t you run along home and ask your parents why they failed you?” Comic Sans is the worst font in the world—so anyone who causes your condescension deserves to have it splashed across their monitor or phone screen.

Deadpan Humor – American Typewriter

vectorsandshit.com

In person, witty repartee said with a completely straight face is a beautiful thing. Online, it can get you unfriended, banned, blocked, or just plain hated. By using a traditional American Typewriter font, you tell the world that you’re not an arrogant asshat—you’re just that amazingly droll.

Laughing – Newwgl4

junodownload.com / Misfit Digital

Sure, acronyms like LMAO, ROFL, and LOL can let someone know you appreciated their joke. But honestly, how many of you have literally rolled on the floor laughing—and then got up to describe it with an internet abbreviation? Yeah, that’s what I thought. This Newwgl4font looks as wacky as a pack of non-Hydrox sandwich cookies, and lets people know you’re giggling merrily as you type.

Flirting – Handwriting Dakota

Georgeanna’s Blog

It can be awkward when you aren’t sure whether the person you’re chatting up is trying to get their flirt on. That’s why a Handwriting – Dakota font can come in handy. It’s easy to read, while still being as genuine and flirtatious as batted eyelashes and casual mentions of how often you work out.

Forced Politeness – Stencil

fontpro.com

Have you ever wanted to make it abundantly clear to someone that you’re only tolerating them to avoid being fired, ostracized, shamed, or otherwise critiqued? A font like Stencil says “I’m tolerating you in the most formal manner I can—at least until I can leave this room and talk smack about you to people I actually like.”

Did we miss a vital internet emotion? Are any of our chosen fonts way off base? We want to hear all about it in the comments!

All screencaps by Wednesday Lee Friday via MSWord. Additional image: Flickr / Chiara Baldassari

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