We aren’t talking the kind of lent that has your bestie borrowing your copy of season four of Game Of Thrones and your like, “Seriously, Becky. Get with the times. We’re already almost on season six.” No, we are talking about the full-blown, spring-welcoming Christian observance that usually leads to an avoidance of chocolate for six weeks. It can be a powerful time of year for many but it can also be hard to keep up with the strict, short-term routines. Thankfully, the guys and gals over at The Federalist compiled a little list of the 9 Best Ways To Participate In Lent.

And then we thought, “Hey, why not dump all over the traditions of millions of people?”

So, without further interruption, here is our list of the 6 Best Ways To Avoid Participating In Lent.

6. Keep Your Damn Alleluias

According to the Federalist, “It is traditional to omit parts of the church service during Lent that contain alleluias. Alleluia (or hallelujah) is an expression of praise and joy. Leaving it out from the liturgy allows for more somber reflection…”

Therefore, we suggest you take some long strides up and down the sidewalk and pause for a moment to turn to everyone you pass and shout, “Hallelujah, mother f#*@&$!”

5. Shut Your Damn Mouth

“Lent has some truly beautiful hymns that are wonderful to bring into daily life. Consider playing them in the car while driving to and from school and other activities.” That’s what the Federalist suggests.

We on the other hand believe if you didn’t make it to the finals on American Idol, you shouldn’t be letting those rusty pipes screech their way to my ear drums. If I wanted to hear half a dozen cats in heat, I’d go down to the local animal shelter.

4. Throw Out That Damn History Lesson

“Lent offers a great chance for some history lessons from the Old and New Testaments on all of the biblical events that last 40 days.”

I say, take the next 40 days and watch all of “Parks and Rec” and “The Office,” back-to-back.

3. Eat As Much As You Want, When You Damn Well Please

“Fasting can be a way to turn away from our lives here and now to prayer and reflection upon God’s Word, reminding us of what Christ has done for us.”

The only type of fasting I want to partake in is when I’m either asleep or driving well-over the speed limit on the highway. I would suggest you stop by a few hole-in-the-wall food trucks and help support your local economy. Don’t forget to shout “Hallelujah!” on your way out.

2. Don’t Thank A Damn Thing

“Lent is an important time to turn as families to focused prayer for our families, churches, neighbors, and nation. The penitential emphasis of the season lends itself well to focusing on serious prayer.”

Prayer, shmayer. What you should do is… Actually, prayer kind of is a big deal. Whether you believe it is simply a part of mass consciousness or the will of an invisible deity, more power to yah!

1. Avoid Going To That Damn Church

Finally, and most importantly, just take the next six weeks off from church. You spent the rest of the year observing strict rules and regulations, and now is the time to sleep in on Sundays and rest easy knowing that the other religious people of the world are doing the hard work for you.


Are you a religious/spiritual/free-thinker? Did this post offend you? It is satire so slap yourself in the face if it did offend you, and then join in the conversation: comment below and share on Facebook.