Reports of the drought in California have been all over the news lately, and while some are screaming “fire and brimstone”, we at ArticleCats like to look on the bright side. So here are the top nine upsides to the California drought!

No more showers!

As someone from Portland, this is my favorite reason. You finally have a legitimate excuse not to care about personal hygiene without looking like a crust punk. Next time your mom, wife, or husband asks you to take a shower, call them an environmental terrorist – that’ll shut them up.

An excuse to gorge yourself on sugary drinks.

Let’s get real: water tastes bland. Growing up, my mother refused to buy me soda and Capri Sun; instead, making me consume flavorless H2O (yuck!). Now you can load up on delicious Dr. Pepper and Kool-Aid all day long. Oh Yeah!

You can live out your post-apocalyptic fantasies.

Everyday can now be like Water World, or the far superior Tank Girl. I can’t wait until we come up with a device to suck water straight from human beings.

The great Midwest real estate boom.

Suddenly, -40 degree winters and no coastline don’t seem so bad when there’s thousands of fresh water lakes everywhere. Hurry and snap up some Detroit property before it’s too late!

No more yard work.

It’s Sunday morning and you have to do bone-breaking yard work. Or not. Thank god there’s a drought and you can go back to eating chips in bed. Having a dilapidated yard isn’t just for hoarders anymore.

Egalitarianism.

Not even one-percenters and celebrities are immune from the water crisis. It’s kind of comforting knowing that Kim Kardashian is being denied free water at Nobu like someone from a third world country.

Californians can talk about immigration without sounding racist.

“They took our jerbs” can now be replaced with “they took our water.” Plus, environmentalists have a much friendlier image than xenophobes.

Using your pool as a storage container (or toilet).

Californians with pools seem like bourgeois douchebags during a drought – why not turn lemons into lemonade and use your pool to store unwanted crap? Better yet, you can literally store your own crap in the pool like in Last Man on Earth and kill two birds with one stone.

Opportunities for innovative entrepreneurs.

My new business plan includes bottling up pristine Bull Run tap water and selling it for the low price of $8 a pop to thirsty Californians. Anyone want to invest?

 


How does the California drought affect you? Does anyone out there have a genius solution for fixing the problem? We’d like to hear from you (especially if you’re a civil engineer)!


 

Additional images: Pixabay

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Zara Zhi
Zara Zhi
Zara is a freelance writer and filmmaker who has worked for numerous magazines and news sites. When not coming up with puns or writing screenplays, she enjoys having blind children read to her and donating plasma TVs. Follow her on Twitter: @zarazhi