Unless you’ve been living under a rock and this is the first thing you are reading on the internet then you no doubt have been drowning in a sea of Apple Watch chatter. I suppose it was inevitable to make a real life Dick Tracy watch eventually, but I can’t see myself owning one. Instead, I want these gadgets back! Apple Watch, shmapple watch!

Audio-Technica Sound Burger

Forget digital music, we all know vinyl is coming back and it’s coming back strong. Local record stores recently celebrated National Record Store Day and the one I went to had a line wrapped around the building. The Audio-Technica Sound Burger is the coolest portable music player/melee weapon of all time.

Nintendo Power Glove

Who wants a watch when you can have an entire glove? Alright so maybe it isn’t voice responsive like the Apple Watch but it will keep you warm. And maybe the controls aren’t as on point, you’ll at least be the envy of your 12-year-old self. And isn’t that what we all want out of life?

Atari Touch Tablet

Alright, I hear you, you want your precious touch screen! In 1984, a brand new step toward progressive technology was achieved by Atari. The launch of the Atari Touch Tablet could be bought at the moderately cheap price of $89.95 and turn your 8-bit home computer into a totally choice set up. Just remember you’ll also need an Atari 130XE computer, no biggie. And now, Alan Alda…

Tomy Omnibot

How about a substitute for Siri that sounds a little less condescending? The Omnibot comes with his own tape cassette featuring phrases. Tommy the Omni can travel with you everywhere and doesn’t sass your directionally challenged driving. Plus, if you have kids, they’ll get hours of entertainment trying to figure out what a cassette is. Can the Apple Watch babysit?

Nokia Mobria Cityman 1320

But what about the phone? Do you hate texting? Loathe getting Facebook updates every 10 minutes? Do you just want to call your kids for the tenth time to find out when they will be home for dinner? Nokia has you covered, their Cityman 1320 is all the phone you’ll ever need and then some. It even has actual pressable buttons and because of the size you’ll never lose it again!

Sharp PC-1211 Pocket Computer

There are few faults in the Sharp PC-1211. It has up to 200 hours of battery life, a full Qwerty keyboard, and an integrated beeper! If that’s not enough to make you seek one out on eBay right now, then maybe I should tell you there’s also a printer and cassette accessories. Never miss a call, jam to your favorite tunes, and write the next great American novel!

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